feeling attachment and creating it

I have been at Chris' mothers house outside of Princeton for a little less than a week. Today there is snow falling softly outside and chris, his mom and his aunt went for a walk in the woods. Im in bed with a sinus infection.

I've been reading northanger abbey (on the kindle that chris got me for christmas!) and i have to say, Jane Austen has taught me more about friendships and relationships than anything else ive ever come across. I think that is the thing i really love about fiction, not only is it a good story, but you learn something from the characters. You begin to see yourself in aspects of their selves.

In it Austen said something like, it is one thing to feel attachment and the other to actually have it. Meaning, one must make attachment not just feel it. I think this plays into my trying to understand what roles my community of friends plays in my life. Often times it makes me anxious, because i often feel that i have forgotten to do something or haven't fulfilled some untold necessity or when conflict arises (and it does because sometimes i am too blunt [more self blame there]) and i dont even realize.

Until Rookie published this article on the end of friendships that i finally understood that it wasn't just me.

In middle school i was sort of part of this group of friends, mostly because my best friend was in it. I had severe conflicts with one girl in the group and i didn't really like most of them except for one or two. I went to a different highschool than my best friend but we still talked a lot and stayed in touch and i would go hang out with her whenever i could. Her friends were wild and fun. When my home life started to completely disintegrate she was there for me.  I had this other friend that i made around 12 as well. We never went to the same school, but we did go to shows together and adventure together and she invited me out to her house a lot. Her family was awesome and so were all her friends. I felt really blessed to have these two people and they really helped me a lot. As highschool wore on i made a few more friends. One of which i ended up going to the same college.

I write this in trying to figure out what it was about clicks and friendships and families were good and what was bad. 

Nomadic Furniture

my kind of christmas

goodmorning orange bun buns!

I was late to work today because me and chris decided it was important to make orange cinnamon buns. I explained to him "when things were coming up berty, my mom would make these in the mornings and then we'd do something fun like go to a science museum." It wasn't too often but it was great when it happened.

I thought it was the perfect way to start the winter solstice. Midwinter. Its the longest night of the year, and for me that means a slow lessening of my anxiety. Because I live in such a violent place, where the evening and nights are where most of the murders and muggings happen, I don't like to ride my bike around at night. Since my truck is broken, it means I've been watching a lot of tv. not even reading. television. But i am really looking forward to Europe and getting out of New Orleans for a little bit and going places where i can walk around unafraid. The fear is weighing on me. The disparity between classes and races is weighing on me. Which brings me to another thing that i think contributes to all of it.

I came across a Swedish word today that is really amazing and has no specific English equivalent.

It is: Lagom  a Swedish word with no direct English equivalent, meaning "just the right amount."The Lexin Swedish-English dictionary defines lagom as "enough, sufficient, adequate, just right". Lagom is also widely translated as "in moderation", "in balance", "optimal" and "suitable" (in matter of amounts). Whereas words like "sufficient" and "average" suggest some degree of abstinence, scarcity, or failure, lagom carries the connotation of appropriateness, although not necessarily perfection. The archetypical Swedish proverb "Lagom är bäst", literally "The right amount is best", is translated as "Enough is as good as a feast" in the Lexin dictionary. That same proverb is translated as "There is virtue in moderation" in Prismas Stora Engelska Ordbok (1995).

This is something i think about but was really taught to me by Dan H as "the school of good enough."  I think in new orleans i was searching for space, dreaming about it, wanting it. And now that i have it. I realize I would have been happy with much less. In fact, i just need to pair down. In fact i need Lagom. This has probably been spurned by watching We the Little House People Documentary. And other videos by Kirsten Dirksen. Especially the one about the float cabin in Lake Powell in BC Canada. So awesome.

Some of her videos feel way too rich. But I guess that is the nature of Lagom even for people who have enough wealth to have a huge "mc mansion", maybe just wanting something simpler.

I was wishing for a room so hard, wanting something so specific that now, really all i want is a nook for my sewing machine and time to spend with Chris.

I'm coming to terms with the fact that I have always wanted a wider and wider social network because that is what is safe to me. More and More. When i was in high school my boyfriend was manipulative, controlling, and degrading. He isolated me from my friends and made me feel crazy. My Parents were also very controlling and crazy and that's when it started, the collecting of friends far and wide. Because that's what saved me and got me away from them. That's what got me somewhere safe and comfortable. The problem is, I've been doing that for a decade now, still. Never really being comfortable with the friends i have, in case of some other catastrophe.

Now that I'm dating a really sweet, caring, loving and open person, I realize that I don't need that much more. And instead I'd really like to have more solid regular friendships. I just don't know how. Sometimes i try to look up helpful articles on the internet, but i can't find them. Neither of my parents have any friends. Nor did they when i grew up. So, tell me world. How do you stay in touch and keep involved and feel supported and supportive in your community? How often do you call your friends? How often do you spend time together? And how many do you have? What is enough for you?

when chris walks in with coffee it makes me feel better about life

an old woman picks up one of lee kyle's card. one with a mermaid on it. she says "its an old mermaid with saggy boobs, its not a pretty mermaid."

also found this today in the bookstore:

If you ever wondered why i think the world is insane, these are just two examples. Why do people hate themselves? Why others?

Then chris walks in with coffee and breakfast and it just feels better. Its the small kindnesses we do. they make a difference.

surviving past mistakes

i guess the thing about that article in mother earth news hit me in such a profound way because i have a friend named rotten milk. I know the article was about raw milk, but it was almost like she was saying "i just want to save people the pain that rotten milk has caused." in effect, its almost like, i want to save you the pain of what he did to me.

If we stood all our friends on trial and listed off all the things that they had done to other people in their entire lives would we still feel the same about them? Would we see what monsters they are?

For a long time i refused to see that i was a jerk. And man was i a jerk sometimes. I've really done some horrible things. Things that make myself grimace. So if i were to hold such harsh judgements on other people for things they have done (and probably aren't proud of), i would lose a lot of friends. In fact i'd probably have none.

Life is full of tough decisions, strange roads and sometimes leads you into dark places. You do things that you really wouldn't sometimes.

We can ask that question, "what would i do if i didn't have to worry about money", etc?  And then we still have to survive.

take your boyfriend to work day...

Sometimes i spend so much time talking about what i want, and where i want to go. that i don't often just say, i am really happy with what i have.

its strange to be in a relationship that feels so solid. To have someone that enjoys your company and you know still loves you even when you are being a brat and don't want to get out of bed. or when your yelling at the neighbors. or when your a mess and crying a lot.

It was awesome in the beginning. Then I got depressed and tired, and though i haven't felt better, my relationship does. Its strange. its not super easy but its there and its loving. Ive never had a relationship that did that. they've all dissolved when i have. but this one makes me feel real. solid. like i could never disappear.

In relationship past I've always felt so dispensable.

I've just never had that. have you? Is this normal? is this what love is?

cool and coolest

The internet really is full of great ideas and cool shit to look at.
http://rookiemag.com/2012/03/its-a-book-its-a-bag/

a video of a float cabin on powell lake in bc. dreamy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&feature=endscreen&v=4suoDPC0ip8

Rethinking Home

This morning i went through and listed all the place i have lived in my life and wether i felt comfortable in them. It's a long list and sadly, there have only been six places i have lived where i felt completely comfortable.

I defined comfortable as not having a compulsive need to leave because of any number of elements. Mostly being if i spent most of my free time trying to get away from a place and why. I then went through each place and thought about whether it was the place itself or the roommates.

In 13 places I have lived it has partially been because of my roommate. Which spawned this list:
Aspects of Roommates that have made me not want to be around:
1. Controlling
2. Hoarders
3. Uncommunicative / Passive Aggressive
4. Crazy Refrigerator
5. Breaking/hiding my things
6. CRAZY

Things my rooommates have done:
1. dumped horse shit in front of my door
2. said misogynist or sexist things to me
3. invited my present boyfriend's ex girlfriend to stay over every night
4. kicked the couch and yelled at me while sleeping on it
5. killed all 12 of my chickens
6. talked shit about me when i could hear them
7. yelled at me for using an a/c unit
8. put bleach in my gas tank
9. broken my things
10. hid my things
11. wouldn't talk to me or flat out ignored me for weeks
12. yelled at their partner almost every morning
13. hoarding in the common spaces
14. chain smoked inside of the house

The only things about the actual places that eventually made me move where:
1. Dark
2. Dirty
3. unsafe (ie. shotty electrical work)
4. not insulated
5. extreme elements making it unbearable to be there.

So my positive list would include:
1. Having dinner every night (or most nights)
2. Clean
3. Friends Already
4. Dedication to communication and NOT passive aggression.
5. Safe
6. Sweet
7. Busy or Creative people

Now that i have all these lists, now all i need to do is figure out exactly what it is i want nezt. Do i want to stay in the art lofts where i have most of these things, but i also have neighbors that you can hear REALLY well, that beat and yell at each other most mornings and evenings?

I don't know. I don't know where to go. I know i don't want to be a wage slave and always live paycheck to paycheck and always have the same amount of money saved up and yet never really be able to do anything.

I know i need community but im not sure in what context. That has been another thing i have been thinking about. How do healthy friendships and healthy home play into my well being. And how do anxiety and acquaintances play into my standard of life?

Nana's Birthday

Nana, you are still here everyday with me.

and my dream world

In my dreams i am still feeling things i haven't felt in years. in my dreams i rage, i cry, i dance, i worry, i feel alone. and then i wonder, is it that i have let my dream self run ammock, that i in my waking life let the past be present and in my dreams i am reenacting it over and over again. acting as if i am still there in my dreams.

do you one day, realize that your past is gone? Do you realize that you can shape your dream world? Do you have the ability to not be psychically affected by scenes that never existed but evoke such strong memories of things you want to forget or forgive and yet cant?

Can dreams become more real than your reality? I feel like i am slipping somewhere in between, that i am going truly mad. That i can't hold on nor understand what is happening now or yesterday.

the real world

For the last 20 minutes i have been reading about disability assistance. The internet is full of opinions, and also some well researched articles. Mostly what i think about is, my fall from middle class to poverty level. Or was i even middle class? I don't really know much about my father's monetary situation. That was never a discussion.

I know more about where my parent's came from, than where they inhabited as i was growing up. My mother was the 7th of 9 children. My poppop worked for Lockheed and Martin and my nana was a housewife. While most of the siblings in that family either went into nursing, went to college, joined the military, or married to become housewives. My mother went to college, probably on a scholarship. She was real smart (Still is). She went into Physics, which got her jobs like Radiation Safety Officer, and training to become a Radiation Oncologist (which are the people who shoot radiation into your body to try and kill cancer.) We moved every two years to a different town and my mom suffered from depression. Single mom with two kids.

My father still lived in the house that him and my mother bought together. He worked at Home & lands publication and then for himself as a software engineer, and then for himself again doing the same stuff. And probably for himself again. I wouldn't know, I haven't talked to him in 15 years. All i know is that he was born in Boston and grew up in south florida. That my grandmother was a piano teacher and my grandfather was a machinist for IBM. From pictures, they seem to be middle class. And my father being the 1st of 3 boys, went to college for Physics.No one went into the military, or nursing, and the 3rd son wanted to become a musician and pretty much just relied on his family for support. I think those are good indications of comfortable middle class.

Sometimes when i think about my childhood, i don't know if the hunger was from lack or from depression.
What i do know is that i went to college for two semesters on scholarship, but i couldn't hack it with depression and no fiscal or emotional support from my family. I failed at it. I went on to hitchhike around the country, live in cheap punk houses and eek out a living by working as a seamstress or a stagehand. I'd be leaving out a large part of the story if I didn't say that in my second semester i was in a pretty bad car accident that left me in a wheelchair for a while and with a disability that has reoccurred 2 more times. Leaving me pretty disabled, and only able to work certain jobs that did not rely on standing, ie. no service industry. The last time it happened, my mom had been paying for insurance for me and i was able to go to physical therapy and have since had no recurrences or pain. GO MOM!!!! But it shaped what my life looked like for 8 years.

I work 3 days a week at a used bookstore in new orleans, I make 11 an hour. Well above the minimum wage. The other 2 days a week i try to sew and make things to sell. I generally make just under a thousand a month. I live in a reduced rent government subsidized place. I pay 500 a month. Half of my income. I spend 100 a month on my car because i sometimes have issues with mobility ( a different car accident) and cant get rid of it. Plus public transportation in most places but the northeast really stinks. About 100 of that goes to groceries, and i do not eat a lot. I get 100 month in foodstamps from the government and i make everything from scratch and pack my lunch. 100 dollars a month usually goes to things like, vitamins and shampoo and necessaries. The other 100 i try to save because my truck is from 1984 and breaks down all the time and i have to fix it. Right now it needs a new starter and i will get under the hood of my truck and replace it myself because i wouldn't be able to afford it if i had to pay a mechanic.The other little bit of money goes to buying fabric so i can keep sewing. Once a year i score a movie job, and that assuages my fears for about 4 months. In those 4 months i can afford to buy some new clothes and some music, and go see my friends bands and not stress out about the 5 dollar cover.

It seems desperate. Under 1200 a month is poverty level. And i feel it. I am hungry a lot. I get really nervous about rent and doing things in my life that give me joy and hope. 

The other main point of this is, i don't know how to get out of it. I would like to do more movies and never worry about money, but that is hard to do as it is seasonal and relational. Being new to it means i don't know that many people and i am also bad at keeping in touch. And what I really want to do? I want to have a partner and a community and feel safe and supported and be outside and work hard and build and make things with my hands.

My fall into poverty means that i will never really be able to scrape that much money together to buy a house or land. My mother will leave me no inheritance. And my father has told my sister i am written out of the will. What does one do when things seem so bleak? That life is a repetitive grind that never seems to lead anywhere. How do i get out of it except in death? I see myself old and still working forever a wage slave if another car hasn't finally come to kill me.

Full Circle Rainbows

I have these plans that i want to implement. I want to be eating cake from pierre herme on my birthday in paris. I want to go and spend some time in the country/forest where i am not afraid to walk around at night. I want to spend some time in a little room where i can just incubate and dream and make, without having to run errands and go to work to pay the bills, at least just for a little while. I want to stay in a little cabin with a woodstove. I want to stretch and meditate everyday. I want to run again. I want to to see a full circle rainbow.

I have been pretty depressed. I said it out loud, i've given up on Devil's Tower. But the light is turning back on a little bit. I can see a little bit. I have more energy slowly and i am seeing friends and its good.

I am trying to figure out how to let go of my past. To not carry around all the things people have done as if they are continuously still doing them. I am trying to let go of my mom mentality, or cop mentality. I cannot save anyone from anything. i am trying to let the past be past.

I read an article in mother earth news and there was an article where it ended with a quote from a mom who's kid ended up in the hospital with failed kidneys due to e. coli in raw milk. She said "i just don't want it to happen to anyone else." That the love she feels towards people gets turned into such a weirdly controlling thing, just isn't ok. go ahead drink raw milk. Go ahead. Its not love but some idea that we can save people from pain.

life is pain. the Buddha said that a long ass time ago.

if people had failed kidneys from pierre herme, i would still eat that on my birthday.