morals and getting older.

Morals:
concerned with principles of right and wrong or conforming to standards of behavior and character based on those principles; “moral sense”; “a moral scrutiny”; “a moral lesson”; “a moral quandary”; “moral convictions”; “a moral life”
ethical: adhering to ethical and moral principles; “it seems ethical and right”; “followed the only honorable course of action”; “had the moral courage to stand alone”
arising from the sense of right and wrong; “a moral obligation”

mike taylor once asked me “does adulthood leave you feeling like a pulled tooth?” At the time I was living under Adee’s bed and I would wake up at 3 in the morning, just to brush my teeth. My gums were bleeding a lot, and my dreams were full of my teeth becoming marbles rolling around in my mouth. its not what i thought getting older would feel like, what adulthood would leave me feeling like. a year ago, i thought getting older meant that you just got more and more bitter with each passing day. i dont feel like that at all now.

What where morals when we were younger? Beacons of hope on some treacherous waters, a way to find a path that would lead us not just anywhere, but to our dreams or our hopes?

misha said to me on a couch on a front porch in Pensacola “we dont need 19 year old kids inspiring us.” but i dont think thats true. i think that being young is great, and having that dedication to something even though you havent really felt it first hand. and a lot of the kids are still kicking and fighting, which is good. even if totally misdirected, or stupid. i think as ive gotten older, ive gotten less ok with stupid shit. if someone’s just being dumb, fuck em. when before i was willing to put up with a bit more. why did you fall in love with me at 20? why am i in love with a 19 year old kid?

i know that me being the fuckin’ angry feminist nutcase that i am, is part of my morals. They have only gotten stronger the older i have gotten. i feel more solid in them. being in Tallahassee has taught me that nothing can push how I feel, what i think, and who i love from me.

I associate courtrooms and judges and straight-edge vegan kids and fascists with morals, moralizing, and pushing what you think on other people. Christians tell me I’m going to hell because i commit sins on a daily basis. That’s just the south, though. morals are the base of judgment, of society, of our peer groups. How do we choose our friends and the projects we give our hearts to?

I want to be the least judgmental person ever. i want to leave judges to some bullshit racial system and open my heart to people. I don’t ever want anyone telling me what im doing is wrong from a moral standpoint, I want them to tell me im wrong because they love me. i know that is where i always came from whenever confronting someone, wanting them to know what they did to hurt me, because otherwise i just let it slide.

one thing ive learned recently is that i hate artists. that is something i should have listened to DB about, “artist” is the biggest insult. thats a new moral, artists are the cultural equivalent to nature’s leaches. other things have changed in me, like, ill give dudes more of a chance. i wish i could be more critical of the women around me the same way i am of the men, as well. im sick of catty bitches. everyone’s a shitbag. is that losing my morals?

in the last few months i have come to a few conclusions that i knew before, but have only cemented themselves into my brain. The judicial system is a racist fucked up farce that is how america deals with the low class and unemployed section of this populations that is the basis for capitalism. capitalism is a fucking jenga tower with too many holes and a lot of angry people who will knock that advertised sparkly desire inducing crock of plastic down. i gave into some sparkly assed advertising, a piece of paper that would “open doors” if i just gave them a lot of my money, and i took what i couldnt afford. promises of monetary retribution, rewards to be reaped in the future of my career. what bullshit.

in my slight period of stupidity, i lost what was truly worth anything to me in life. friends, creative endeavors, a sense of purpose, happiness. what i got was a bunch of half assed people floundering in a go no where town. this isnt romantic, or romanticizable. this is a place where people drown, where no one knows that you dont have to fuck people over to survive. that water rises collectively. instead everyone just pulls people down to step up. this is a small town with a lot of talk and go nowhere attitude. i dont want to drop out of society and wither away in a cultural wasteland. no thanks.
thats what the world is, people moralizing and dragging other people down, because of race, class, creed, whatever. people are gonna try to fuck you up and it is no fucking joke. you need your wits and a self preserving attitude, amongst all these thieves.

i have no aspirations towards the beacons held high by society. marriage? fuck no. 40 hour work weeks? fuck no. careers, children, family. no no no. whatever else thats in store for me, is waiting for me to find it.
i still feel as assured as i did at 15, that something better, bigger, more fulfilling and totally awesome was waiting for me somewhere. i found a part of it and im not about to give it up easily. if those can be said to be morals, so be it. i just see it as how i chose to live my life. the things i want to avoid, the traps i dont want around my ankles. its a hard life sometimes, lonely, sad, but im not alone. not eating meat was just a small part of that total division from amerikkka to begin with.
xoxo

"in a world of thieves, the only final sin is stupidity."
hunter s. thompson