Full Circle Rainbows

I have these plans that i want to implement. I want to be eating cake from pierre herme on my birthday in paris. I want to go and spend some time in the country/forest where i am not afraid to walk around at night. I want to spend some time in a little room where i can just incubate and dream and make, without having to run errands and go to work to pay the bills, at least just for a little while. I want to stay in a little cabin with a woodstove. I want to stretch and meditate everyday. I want to run again. I want to to see a full circle rainbow.

I have been pretty depressed. I said it out loud, i've given up on Devil's Tower. But the light is turning back on a little bit. I can see a little bit. I have more energy slowly and i am seeing friends and its good.

I am trying to figure out how to let go of my past. To not carry around all the things people have done as if they are continuously still doing them. I am trying to let go of my mom mentality, or cop mentality. I cannot save anyone from anything. i am trying to let the past be past.

I read an article in mother earth news and there was an article where it ended with a quote from a mom who's kid ended up in the hospital with failed kidneys due to e. coli in raw milk. She said "i just don't want it to happen to anyone else." That the love she feels towards people gets turned into such a weirdly controlling thing, just isn't ok. go ahead drink raw milk. Go ahead. Its not love but some idea that we can save people from pain.

life is pain. the Buddha said that a long ass time ago.

if people had failed kidneys from pierre herme, i would still eat that on my birthday.