I am tired of being a target

my boyfriend is privileged, and because he is privileged he is ignorant. There is only so much you can tell someone. they have to learn it on their own, but because some people have money they will never be in the situation to learn. thats all there is to it.

after pizza night, at 11 pm when i am biking home by myself because he wants to hang out, unwind and drink. i hold my chain in my hand. some of my friends, mostly ladies, drive. they dont want to be held up at gun point and more importantly, dont want to be raped.

sometimes i think i need to read the crime blotter to chris every day so he knows what is going on around him. instead of whatever he thinks is, or doesnt even think about at all.

it feels good when i come home, and i am here alone and the neighbor is not screaming or the neighbors neice's baby is not crying, and it is quiet.

It feels like it is just me and lady here, and i feel safe because i live in a gated place with windows that dont open and a door that locks well and is metal. this is when i like living here. mostly because i can keep it whatever temperature i want, and i have all the things i need, and if i dont, i can order them from the internet.

I stand around at pizza night and i think, yes there are definitely a handful of people that i like and want to see.

is that enough to be scared for my life? Is that enough to live in a toxic environment and a violent one with a person who does not acknowledge it? And in that non-acknowledgment does not stand up for me or help me fight it or help me figure a way out of it. Instead he just moves about on his same old, luckily avoiding being a target in any way while i battle it everyday. i am tired of being a target.

it gets tiresome.