goodmorning orange bun buns!

I was late to work today because me and chris decided it was important to make orange cinnamon buns. I explained to him "when things were coming up berty, my mom would make these in the mornings and then we'd do something fun like go to a science museum." It wasn't too often but it was great when it happened.

I thought it was the perfect way to start the winter solstice. Midwinter. Its the longest night of the year, and for me that means a slow lessening of my anxiety. Because I live in such a violent place, where the evening and nights are where most of the murders and muggings happen, I don't like to ride my bike around at night. Since my truck is broken, it means I've been watching a lot of tv. not even reading. television. But i am really looking forward to Europe and getting out of New Orleans for a little bit and going places where i can walk around unafraid. The fear is weighing on me. The disparity between classes and races is weighing on me. Which brings me to another thing that i think contributes to all of it.

I came across a Swedish word today that is really amazing and has no specific English equivalent.

It is: Lagom  a Swedish word with no direct English equivalent, meaning "just the right amount."The Lexin Swedish-English dictionary defines lagom as "enough, sufficient, adequate, just right". Lagom is also widely translated as "in moderation", "in balance", "optimal" and "suitable" (in matter of amounts). Whereas words like "sufficient" and "average" suggest some degree of abstinence, scarcity, or failure, lagom carries the connotation of appropriateness, although not necessarily perfection. The archetypical Swedish proverb "Lagom är bäst", literally "The right amount is best", is translated as "Enough is as good as a feast" in the Lexin dictionary. That same proverb is translated as "There is virtue in moderation" in Prismas Stora Engelska Ordbok (1995).

This is something i think about but was really taught to me by Dan H as "the school of good enough."  I think in new orleans i was searching for space, dreaming about it, wanting it. And now that i have it. I realize I would have been happy with much less. In fact, i just need to pair down. In fact i need Lagom. This has probably been spurned by watching We the Little House People Documentary. And other videos by Kirsten Dirksen. Especially the one about the float cabin in Lake Powell in BC Canada. So awesome.

Some of her videos feel way too rich. But I guess that is the nature of Lagom even for people who have enough wealth to have a huge "mc mansion", maybe just wanting something simpler.

I was wishing for a room so hard, wanting something so specific that now, really all i want is a nook for my sewing machine and time to spend with Chris.

I'm coming to terms with the fact that I have always wanted a wider and wider social network because that is what is safe to me. More and More. When i was in high school my boyfriend was manipulative, controlling, and degrading. He isolated me from my friends and made me feel crazy. My Parents were also very controlling and crazy and that's when it started, the collecting of friends far and wide. Because that's what saved me and got me away from them. That's what got me somewhere safe and comfortable. The problem is, I've been doing that for a decade now, still. Never really being comfortable with the friends i have, in case of some other catastrophe.

Now that I'm dating a really sweet, caring, loving and open person, I realize that I don't need that much more. And instead I'd really like to have more solid regular friendships. I just don't know how. Sometimes i try to look up helpful articles on the internet, but i can't find them. Neither of my parents have any friends. Nor did they when i grew up. So, tell me world. How do you stay in touch and keep involved and feel supported and supportive in your community? How often do you call your friends? How often do you spend time together? And how many do you have? What is enough for you?